YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Melbourne University researchers investigate the utility of food warning labels and discover that “using images combined with negative messages was the most effective way of persuading people to avoid the unhealthy options and choose healthier foods.”

Bad diet

To reduce the over-consumption of fatty foods I suggest point-of-sale warnings and food packaging should include a photo of me in Speedos as an effective deterrent.

There are, however, lots of currently unlabelled products and activities worthy of warnings. For example:

  • Alcohol: A known carcinogen. Kills brain cells and damages the liver. Causes users to talk complete crap, fall down a lot and totally regret over-consumption.
  • Motor vehicles: No, you’re not the great driver you think you are.
  • Motorcycles: No, you’re not the great rider you think you are and this ride will likely be your last.
  • Ladders: Attach a photo of Molly Meldrum.
  • Vegans: Eat meat and we will kill you.
  • Women: DO NOT attempt to operate an intoxicated female. And: Secure written consent prior to any attempt to operate any female.
  • Feminists: Don’t even think about it.
  • Clementine Ford: Fatal to two out of three foetuses.
  • YouTube, Instragram and Facebook: There is an inverse relationship between the time spent on these websites and IQ.
  • Power tools: Those born after 1980 have no idea and should not attempt to operate devices capable of instantly removing body parts.
  • Vacuum cleaners: Stick your penis in here and you could end up in a humiliating visit to the emergency room.
  • Kitchen cutlery: Sharp knives can inflict serious damage to incautious users.
  • Cats: The fastidious feline walking around on your kitchen counter was in the litter-box immediately prior.
  • University: Submit to leftist groupthink or piss off.
  • Revealing clothing: Wearing this garment will likely attract the attention of horny men.
  • Cosmetics, hairstyling, facial fillers and Botox: These products and services will likely attract the attention of horny men.

The need for warning labels knows no bounds.

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